So I haven’t actually blogged for almost a week because I’ve been back to work (busy busy) and also because I’ve felt low. I didn’t want to keep writing negative posts everyday, I wanted to be able to put something upbeat that would help people. Not that there is anything wrong with posting about how you feel but for me I knew I needed to wait for a spark of positivity to inspire me again.
And low and behold, it came!
A couple of months ago my partner’s mum asked me if I wouldn’t mind hosting a make up party at my house, as she had started a new business venture. Eager to help her out, I agreed, and invited close family and friends. The day arrived yesterday and I had been feeling very anxious about it, but knew I couldn’t let her or the guests down. So I bought food, decorated the house and cleaned everywhere top to bottom. I even ordered some delicious, make-up themed cupcakes for the occasion.
I got home from work yesterday and she had already set up the party. I opened my living room door and there were mirrors on every surface. I panicked, shut the door and wondered how I was going to get through the night. My heart was racing and I felt shaky. My fingers hovered over the group message on my phone, anticipating faking an illness and cancelling on everyone. But I knew I couldn’t let people down. So I didn’t cancel.
Right up until all the guests arrived my anxiety was crippling me, but then slowly, as I faced my fear, it started to drop a little. Then it dropped some more as I relaxed and had a laugh with people. Then it dropped more as I realised that I was in a room full of people who love me and came to support my partner’s mum’s new business venture. I remember thinking how lucky I was. Some of the people who came knew of my problems (my mum and sisters) and they were very understanding. But all in all, the night went well and everyone had a good time. That wouldn’t have happened if I had given into the anxiety and cancelled.
This has proven to me that anxiety does decrease if you try to face it head on. Nothing bad happened, nobody said anything to upset me and the world didn’t end. I’m going to try it again tonight by visiting a friend in Sheffield and staying over at her house, another thing that I have avoided doing for a long time.
If you’re in a situation where anxiety is stopping you from doing things that you want to do, I promise you can do this. It’s not easy – this doesn’t mean my anxiety is gone. I think it’s probably going to be there forever. There may be times where I just can’t face the world, but today, I feel more positive because I have beaten it for one day. Maybe I can beat it for two. If I can do it, so can you. So book that thing that scares you, whether that’s meeting with friends, going shopping or even a sky dive (why not?!). You can do it! And if you feel like you can’t just yet, just know that one day, you will.