Throughout my entire life, I have been a perfectionist. Many would argue that it can’t be a bad thing to always want to do things correctly, or always have things look a certain way. The difficult with perfectionism, however, is the question; what is perfect? If perfect is a matter of opinion, then who am I to say that the way things are for me now, isn’t perfect?
When I was younger, I planned the ‘perfect’ life for myself. I wanted to be a teacher, have a long term boyfriend, be engaged and married by 25, have children by 30 and live in a beautiful house in the countryside with dogs and horses. Now that I think about it, that may have been my perception of a perfect life, but actually, how shallow is that?! And who says that’s perfect anyway?!
Obviously, things didn’t pan out for me the way I had planned and my perfectionism has spoilt other things in my life, particularly my appearance. I have always wanted to be beautiful and have people envious of me. How could I have been so vein? I’ve come to learn in my journey that you can’t just take someone at face value and if anybody does, they’re not worth being friends with. I don’t think I am beautiful at all and I have difficulties looking in the mirror sometimes; it’s a battle that me and my therapist are working on. I find myself asking; how did it all come to this? Why did I have such high expectations for my life that have left me with low self-esteem and anxiety because I couldn’t meet them?
Today I have decided that it’s okay to settle for less than perfection. I am going to completely change my old motto, which was always to strive for the best possible. It clearly isn’t going to happen for me and I need to learn to be content with myself, and my life, just the way it is. I have achieved many goals, such as becoming a teacher, living with my boyfriend and having 2 beautiful dogs. I’ve started riding lessons, which is another step towards my ‘perfect.’ Yes, I may not have my marriage or children yet (if ever!), or even like the way that I look. But I am lucky in many other ways and I have got to learn to love myself.